Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Here is a movie so unbelievably wonderfully bad that I have had to re-watch large portions of it two times in under a month to share it with my dad and my boyfriend.  All lovers of bad science fiction MUST see this movie.  I've just learned that this was in fact used in an episode of Mystery Science Theater! Perfect.

Oh, where to begin?

The children of Mars have no real childhood.  From the time they are born, information is piped into their little heads, so that they are really like mini-adults, seemingly with no emotion (although that could have been due to the quality of acting).  When we first meet the Martians, we learn that the children, in need of childhood as they are, have become addicted to Earth tv, especially to broadcasts about Santa Claus.  Concerned Martian leader, Kimar, calls together the Martian council and goes off to talk to the wise and creaky elder Chochem.  Once Chochem explains the detrimental effect of not having a true childhood, the council decides that the thing to do is... go to Earth and kidnap Santa Claus!

I should take this moment to mention that the photo above is indeed of Martian children.  Green face paint and antenna on your helmet designate you a martian in this movie.

When the Martians land on Earth they meet and capture young Betty and Billy Foster, who tell them that Santa lives at the North Pole.  The children try to escape to warn Santa, and much drama ensues, involving terrible acting by the Foster children, silly antics of the Martian Dropo (their resident idiot?), a narrow escape from a man wearing a really bad polar bear costume (meant to be a polar bear), and a final capture by the cardboard robot pictured below.

Santa is captured and brought to Mars, along with Betty and Billy, where he immediately inspires the Martian children and begins to manufacture toys in a factory made for him by the Martians.  Santa chuckles a lot.  Dropo continues to be silly.
Conflict boils over, however, when the evil Voldar, who has been grumpy about the plan to bring Santa to Mars all along (grumpy to the point of having made an attempt on the lives of poor Santa, Betty, and Billy!) sabotages the toy factory and tries to kidnap Santa.  See how angry he is below?

I will go ahead and ruin the ending for you.  All works out well, the Earthlings get to go home, and Dropo becomes the Martian Santa Claus.

One star for my favorite scene involving Santa Claus's brilliant escape from an airlock on-board the martian ship.  It is worth seeing the movie just for this scene.  I am sure that I will someday see this movie again in its entirety, and there are so many people in my life who may soon need to be subjected to at least a few scenes.  So convenient that it is an "instant" movie on Netflix!

The Bishop's Wife (1947)

Cary Grant can skate! (says Jessica)

Cary Grant can skate, but when he does, he shrinks by three feet. (says David)

But still, Cary Grant is perfect.  And he is a real angel.

This is possibly the definition of a feel good movie.  A bishop is busy trying to get the money to build a new cathedral and is ignoring his wife and daughter.  In swoops an angel to subtly help him see what is really important in his life.  Yes there is some drama, and there is some conflict.  There is even some relationship sketchiness, but there is never any doubt in your mind that all that happens is for the good of the characters and will lead to immense happiness.  Three stars, and I will see this again some other Christmas.

Love Crazy (1941)

William Powell and Myrna Loy.  What do you think I will rate this movie?

Susan and Steve Ireland are celebrating their fourth anniversary in a wonderfully witty Loy and Powell way.  Instead of exactly re-enacting their first date the way that they usually do on their anniversary, Steve suggests that they re-enact the date backwards.  Unfortunately, they are interrupted almost immediately by the arrival of Susan's mother, and hilarity ensues.  


Steve gets stuck in an elevator with an old flame who lives a floor down, Susan's mother trips on the ugly anniversary present she has bought them, Susan has to run her mother's urgent pick-up errand, and a cooped up Steve ditches his mother-in-law to catch up with the old flame. All of this leads to divorce proceedings and Steve's increasingly drastic attempts to keep Susan from divorcing him over a misunderstanding. Oh William Powell, are you ever bad in a comedy?
Four stars.  I would watch this again.  I'm looking into non-Thin Man Loy&Powell box sets...

Them (1954)

EEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!
I would like to point out that despite what is shown on the poster/DVD cover, at no point do the ants overrun a city or chase mobs of people...anywhere. They seem to prefer to hang out in the desert and pick off loners. Although if those queen ants had gotten out of the L.A. sewer system...

The ants (atomic testing of course) need to be stopped, and a somewhat cocky F.B.I. agent, along with a father and daughter entomology team, are the main players in trying to stop them.  Unfortunately the female entomologist seems to think that heels are appropriate attire for tracking giant ants through the desert, meaning that she has a hard time getting out of situations like the one with the pipe-cleaner antennaed ant below.

But oh, how I love this movie. I do not know how many times I have seen it, but the viewings started by age 5. I used to play "Them" in my neighborhood. Who knows what lived beneath the streets of Lexington, MA.  The most recent viewing came after a group trip to see the "Big Bugs" sculpture exhibit at Garden in the Woods. I know I don't look afraid, but really, it was a beautiful ant.  And I knew I had worn the right shoes.

Wings in the Dark (1935)

Favorite actor... favorite actress... yet another movie I had a hard time paying attention to without rolling my eyes.

Myrna Loy plays a stunt pilot.  Cary Grant plays a daring pilot who wants to be one of the first pilots to fly blind (the first?  I can't remember!)  Of course Loy has long admired Grant before she even gets to meet him.  And of course Grant is blinded by a freak accident with a stove.    What will become of Grant's budding relationship with Loy?  What will become of his ambitious plan to... fly blind?

Devastated Grant secludes himself in a cabin in the woods until Loy and a helper sneak up on him and make him accept a seeing eye dog into his life.  Before the dog he has to wander around with his arms outstretched.  More touching scenes and tragedy ensue.
One star for the seeing eye dog.

The Graduate (1967)

The Graduate.  How many times have I seen this movie?  When I graduated high school, my dad counseled me to tell people that I was interested in plastics.  But had I seen the movie yet?  The first time I remember watching it was the night before classes started my freshman year at Swarthmore College.  Most of the freshman class and a whole lot of excited upperclassmen packed LPAC and cheered at lines such as:

Mr. Braddock: Would you mind telling me then what those four years of college were for? What was the point of all that hard work?
Benjamin: You got me.

Ahh, tradition.  The Swarthmore tradition of playing The Graduate to the incoming freshman has got me hooked, and I've been watching it at home every fall since.  Although now I watch it right before the first graders swarm.

So, now I'm finding that I don't really have anything to say about the movie.  Every line is a perfect line, every shot a perfect shot.

Some of the lines have become a part of my everyday vocabulary.  "He's a good walker."

Four stars of course, at least.  This is a perfect movie.

A Stolen Life (1946)

This summer the Brattle Theater in Harvard Square had a Bette Davis movie festival. Sadly I only made it to one movie. But this description, courtesy of the Brattle made it very important that I see this movie, if no other:

"A Stolen Life
(1946) dir Curtis Bernhardt w/Bette Davis, Glenn Ford, Dane Clark, Walter Brennan [109 min]
Kate (Davis) and her twin sister Patricia (also played by Davis) both fall for the charming Bill Emerson (Ford) while on a boat trip home to New England. Patricia steals Bill away from her sister, sending Kate into a deep depression. While Bill is away on a trip, Kate and Patricia are involved in a sailing accident. Patricia is drowned, but Kate washes ashore alive. She is mistaken for Patricia, which allows her to steal back the man of her dreams.
Not available on DVD"

What do you say? Bette Davis pretends to be her twin sister, Bette Davis, and steals a man from her? And one of the Bette Davises is involved in a fatal accident? And I can't get this from Netflix???

So, most of the movie was fun. Silly, but fun. Oh, but the ending. Eek. I went with Barbara, and as it was a few months ago now, I can't remember exactly what we said to each other when the movie finally ended, but I'm sure it involved eye rolling and laughter, and maybe some "What?!?"s.

One star for the wonderful special effects of having two Bette Davises lounging on the bed together talking men. So that makes...one star. I would recommend seeing it once, but not more than once!

Mr. Peabody and the Mermaid (1948)

What a silly movie.  Mr. Peabody (William Powell) hears, goes searching for, and then fishes from the sea (dare I say kidnaps?) a young mermaid.  The mermaid is of course completely content to swim around in Mr. Peabody's fancy goldfish pond, just as long as he will kiss her every once in a while.  Did I mention there is a somewhat suspecting but also confused by the particulars Mrs. Peabody?

There is water-spitting, lying, swimming, a psychiatrist... 

One star for the moment in the film when a woman who desperately wants to win Mr. Peabody's attention goes swimming in the fish pond and has an underwater fight with the mermaid.  But that's all.  Go rent I Married a Witch.

Libeled Lady (1936)

Jean Harlow is my new favorite actress. She is the original blonde bombshell. I suppose that Marilyn Munroe did have more vulnerability, but I like Harlow for being the tough broad that she is, always a step ahead of the man, ready to head him off at the pass.

In real life she and William Powell were lovers and went to the Academy Awards together along with Clark Gable and Carole Lombard who was Powell's ex. It all sounds very free and 30s Hollywood.
I love Powell and Myrna Loy, so it's fun to find out who he personally was drawn to and see him play opposite her and Myrna in the same movie. In this movie he's the charming ex-newspaper man who is hired to seduce the heiress who is suing a newspaper for a false story.


In order to make his affair with ML a scandal, he has to be married to JH. It's quite entertaining, and I still don't know how it ends, which is good, but I'm really getting aggravated with Powell.


...

Okay, I finished watching - it was one of those comedies that keep you aggravated till the last second when of course it all works out. I know some people find those the best, but I felt aggravated on behalf of Spencer Tracy's character and Jean Harlow's character even AFTER they were all living happily ever after.

Well worth watching, some very fun, funny moments, but can't give it more than two stars and I WON'T watch it again.

It's also interesting to note that William Powell plays the same calm, wry, somewhat smug character out-witting everyone to his own advantage in these movies that he does in the Thin Man, but it's so much less sympathetic when he's outwitting people who you actually can care about like ST and JH's characters here.

The Pride and the Passion (1957)

Oh my schlocky goodness! If you are in the mood for some unbridled sentamentality about the heroism of a bloody resistance to occupation, this is your movie.

I was kind of avoiding this one. We now know that Cary Grant was so smitten with Sophia Loren that he would make just about any movie that cast him opposite her. In this movie she plays a Spanish peasant, Frank Sinatra plays a Spanish peasant, and Cary Grant plays a British naval captain - guess whose accent is the worst? I'll give joo wan gayce. Sinatra's accent begs the question - why do Americans playing people who wouldn't speak English have to speak with accents? In the beginning of the film, CG's character declares that the British sent him on this mission because he speaks Spanish and knows guns. Most of the Spaniards he spends the movie talking to are supposed to be peasants so we'll assume they don't speak English and the dialogue is kind of imagined to be translated from Spanish. So why does Sinatra have to speak heavily accented English? Why can't he speak like an American?

The movie is not quite as bad as Sinatra's accent, though. Mainly it concerns this giant gun, a cannon that is supposed to be 42 feet long and fire 96-pound cannonballs. It's kind of a cool concept - the gun was the pride of the Spanish army, but they are forced to abandon it during their retreat after being beaten by Napoleon. The Spanish resistance, with a little help from CG, who has been sent to retrieve the gun for Britain, decide to salvage it and try to move it to Avila, where the French have their headquarters in Spain, and attack the fortified city.

There are some great scenes involving the gun, those were my favorites. It's just huge and watching them figure out how to move it without alerting the French to its location is entertaining. It follows a good principle: you give your characters a clear goal and obstacles and you watch their character emerge as they problem-solve. And it works.

There is a love triangle: CG and FS both are in love with SL and she plays them both to get them to keep working on the project together when really they want to get into a fist fight over her. And there is resistance drama: FS rousing the peasants to do battle, FS authorizing his troops to steal from said peasants, and a couple of good scenes dealing with the finer points of guerilla warfare.

I would say it's actually not a horrible script, it's definitely a good story, but Sinatra's accent and to a lesser extent Sophia's accent and the little melodramatic touches get in the way. Also it's too long! 2:15!

Two stars for the story and the spectacular scenes with the gun. I'm going to try to forget Sinatra's accent. Will not watch again.