Captain Blood (1935)

Two stars, and I might never be able to see it again. I'm glad I saw it, though! Despite the fact that it took an hour and five minutes to get to any of the piracy, I have been wanting to see an old pirate movie, and this was definitely an old pirate movie. And really, Errol Flynn is very good at delivering lines.

Here is a semblance of the plot, told in superlatives:

Best Term of Endearment: "My vinegary virgin..." E. Flynn to his landlady(?) at the beginning of the movie before he sees his last patient as a free man

Best Wig: The judge with the Captain Hook wig who tries Flynn as a traitor for having treated a rebel

Best Natural Hair: Errol Flynn after having been locked up for three months waiting for his treason trial (at which he gives a rousing speech)

Best Rudy Giuliani Impersonator: the judge with the C. Hook wig... Maybe it's the pissy looks he's giving Flynn, but really, it's Giuliani!

Strangest Meet Cute: when Olivia deHavilland buys Flynn at the auction block (he has been sent as a slave to Port Royal rather than killed as a traitor)... Flynn is not at all pleased and gives more rousing speeches about dignity and freedom.


Best Cackle: O. deHavilland when she thinks about how mad Flynn will be when she gives him more assistance... see next superlative

Best Patient: "Why don't you bleed me again!" E. Flynn gets to become the governor of Port Royal's personal doctor, because he is so good at treating gout. And the governor is just so cheerful about the help he receives.

Best Aside: "This is what I call a timely interference...though what will come of it the devil himself only knows." Flynn in the stockade... he has been locked up on the night of his planned escape from the island. Luckily for him, Spanish pirates attack, he gets free, and he and his slave friends get to steal the Spanish pirate ship.

Best Monty Python Moment: Flynn and his buddies jump some Spanish pirates.

Best Caption: "And thus Captain Blood began his career of piracy with a ship, a handful of men, and a brain..." enough said

Best Muttering: "Blood...Blood..." Flynn is just such a great pirate that he pisses off the King of England.

Best Accent: Basil Rathbone has a lovely French accent as the French pirate who forms an alliance with Flynn

Prettiest Smiles: Flynn and Rathbone duel after Rathbone has captured deHavilland and plans to keep her... They seem so happy to get to use their swords.

Most Dramatic Death: Rathbone... The ocean water washes over him, he tries not to blink his eyes...

Best Bible Quote: "Love thy neighbor as thyself, Davidicus..." One of the pirates just loves to quote the Bible. I believe this was during a battle on board the ship.

Best Pining Look: Flynn and deHavilland just can't quite get together. She's rich and snooty! And she once bought him! And he's a pirate who has probably done some awful things!


I'll stop here.